Read Titus Andronicus by William Shakespeare Free Online
Book Title: Titus Andronicus|
Format files: PDF
The size of the: 473 KB
City - Country: No data
The author of the book: William Shakespeare
Edition: Penguin Group(CA)
Date of issue: September 29th 2005
ISBN 13: 9780141019666
Loaded: 2602 times
Reader ratings: 7.9
Read full description of the books:
Literally years after people began suggesting that I do this, I finally got around to reading the damn play. So in the words of Bette Davis: fasten your seatbelts, it's going to be a bumpy night. Because here's
TITUS ANDRONICUS, ABRIDGED:
TITUS: Man, it's great to be me! I'm an awesome general, all my super-handsome sons are awesome, I have a hot daughter who's engaged to a great guy, and even though the emperor just married my enemy Queen Tamora I'm sure that can never backfire on me! Yessireee, everything's coming up Titus!
MARCUS: Hey, brother. So, um...got some bad news. I was walking in the woods, and first I found your daughter's husband's dead body. And then...well, I ran into Lavinia.
TITUS: JESUS H. TAPDANCING CHRIST!
GROUNDLING 1: Holy shit, where are her hands?
GROUNDLING 2: Oh my GOD that is a lot of blood.
SHAKESPEARE: That's right, this is all happening. Cannot change the channel, people.
AARON: Hey Titus, your sons have been framed for murdering Bassianus, but the emperor will let them go if you cut off your hand.
TITUS: Sure thing, here ya go.
AARON: JK! Here are their heads, later sucker!
TITUS: Okay, it's on now, motherfuckers.
AARON: Mwahaha. In case anyone in the audience hasn't caught on, I'm the bad guy because I'm black. Othello isn't for a few more years, folks. Enjoy this. Hey guys! How was raping and mutilating Titus' daughter?
DEMETRIUS: Pretty awesome, actually. Good thing Mom let us do that instead of just killing her like Lavinia asked.
CHIRON: Good thing the audience has conveniently forgotten that Lavinia's husband already raped her at the beginning of the play! Seriously though, why isn't that a bigger deal?
DEMETRIUS: He married her afterwards, so it's okay. Also we made her ugly, which is way worse.
NURSE: Good news, Aaron! Tamora just had a baby! The bad news is, he's brown.
CHIRON: Wait, if my mom's white, and her husband's white, and you're the only black character in the play, then...
ACTUAL LINES FROM THE PLAY:
"CHIRON: Thou hast undone our mother.
AARON: Villain, I have done thy mother"
GROUNDLING 1: OH SNAP!
SATURNINUS: Mmm, great dinner, Titus.
TITUS: Thanks! But I didn't do it alone, I had a great assistant! Come in here, Lavinia! You've sure had a rough couple of days, but it's all going to be okay soon! Also, since you were raped and dishonored, I have to kill you. Sorry.
LAVINIA: God, I hate this play.
GROUNDLING 1: WHAT THE FUCK?
SATURNINUS: That was odd. Hey Tamora, why didn't your sons come to dinner?
TITUS: Well, one might say THEY'RE ALREADY HERE! BWAHAHAHA YOU TOTALLY ATE THEM! I MURDERED AND KILLED YOUR SONS FOR WHAT THEY DID!
TAMORA: Wait...so, I just ate-
TITUS: I KEEL YOU!
SATURNINUS: Kill my wife? I KEEL YOU!
LUCIUS: NO, I KEEL YOU!
GROUNDLING 2: Holy shit so much blood.
LUCIUS: Well, guess that makes me emperor! Going somewhere, Aaron?
AARON: Augh! Okay, here's the deal: don't kill my mixed race bastard baby and I'll tell you how I planned the whole thing.
LUCIUS: Thanks for your cooperation! Now I'm just going to throw your girlfriend's body to the dogs and bury you chest deep in the ground to starve to death slowly! 'Cause you're the black guy.
GROUNDLING 1: Dude.
GROUNDLING 2: And you wanted to see Romeo and Juliet
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Read information about the authorWilliam Shakespeare (baptised 26 April 1564) was an English poet and playwright, widely regarded as the greatest writer in the English language and the world's pre-eminent dramatist. He is often called England's national poet and the "Bard of Avon" (or simply "The Bard"). His surviving works consist of 38 plays, 154 sonnets, two long narrative poems, and several other poems. His plays have been translated into every major living language, and are performed more often than those of any other playwright.
Shakespeare was born and raised in Stratford-upon-Avon. Scholars believe that he died on his fifty-second birthday, coinciding with St George’s Day.
At the age of 18 he married Anne Hathaway, who bore him three children: Susanna, and twins Hamnet and Judith. Between 1585 and 1592 he began a successful career in London as an actor, writer, and part owner of the playing company the Lord Chamberlain's Men, later known as the King's Men. He appears to have retired to Stratford around 1613, where he died three years later. Few records of Shakespeare's private life survive, and there has been considerable speculation about such matters as his sexuality, religious beliefs, and whether the works attributed to him were written by others.
Shakespeare produced most of his known work between 1590 and 1613. His early plays were mainly comedies and histories, genres he raised to the peak of sophistication and artistry by the end of the sixteenth century. Next he wrote mainly tragedies until about 1608, including Hamlet, King Lear, and Macbeth, considered some of the finest examples in the English language. In his last phase, he wrote tragicomedies, also known as romances, and collaborated with other playwrights. Many of his plays were published in editions of varying quality and accuracy during his lifetime, and in 1623, two of his former theatrical colleagues published the First Folio, a collected edition of his dramatic works that included all but two of the plays now recognised as Shakespeare's.
Shakespeare was a respected poet and playwright in his own day, but his reputation did not rise to its present heights until the nineteenth century. The Romantics, in particular, acclaimed Shakespeare's genius, and the Victorians hero-worshipped Shakespeare with a reverence that George Bernard Shaw called "bardolatry". In the twentieth century, his work was repeatedly adopted and rediscovered by new movements in scholarship and performance. His plays remain highly popular today and are consistently performed and reinterpreted in diverse cultural and political contexts throughout the world.
According to historians, Shakespeare wrote 37 plays and 154 sonnets throughout the span of his life. Shakespeare's writing average was 1.5 plays a year since he first started writing in 1589. There have been plays and sonnets attributed to Shakespeare that were not authentically written by the great master of language and literature.
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